Dick Figures Yaoi Fanfiction
by Aquailita
Summary: Summary (the K-rated version): Exactly what the title implies. Red and Blue can't get any chicks, so they just do each other. Then Blue reveals that he secretly reads and watches Yaoi. WHAAAAA! A "Dick Figures" yaoi Red X Blue crackfic lime, cuz I don't like writing lemons. Rated for sexiness and language. (I'm going to regret this fanfic, aren't I?) Fanfic cover drawn by me.
1. Chapter 1

Dick Figures Yaoi Fanfiction

Summary: Exactly what the title implies. Red and Blue can't get any pussy, so they just fuck each other. Then Blue reveals that he secretly reads and watches Yaoi. WHAAAAA?! Yaoi. Red X Blue crackfic. (Lime, cuz I don't like writing lemons.)

Characters: Red & Blue

Rating: M, cuz limes and sexy stuff and language and shit.

Genre: Sexy (cuz in my mind, sexy IS a genre) & Humor (CUZ THIS SHIT IS FUNNY!)

* * *

**HEY EVERYONE! Time for something a little different! Yaoi.  
****Lolz that's not what's different! It's a new fandom! Dick Figures, by Mondo Media (the same people who made Happy Tree Friends). Only tonight, I watched seasons 1 and 2 as well as the music video, and so I decided to write a fanfic two-shot for Purple, which is what I personally call the shipping of Red X Blue.  
****And also it's a crackfic. Haven't done one of those since Citizenshipping. Well... I don't know if this would be considered a real CRACKfic, cuz Dick Figures itself is pretty cracked up. So... This is just a regular fanfic, I guess?****  
**

***shrugs***

**But anyway...**

**UNF UNF UNF UUUNNNNGGHHHH! I ship them SO fucking hard. But I really only ship them in bed. If I wanted to pick an actual romantic relationship from the series to ship, it would be Pink and Blue (which I call LightPurple) cuz Pink actually puts up with Red's shit when the other girls run from Blue when Red does stupid shit. I mean, Red and Blue got a kick-ass bromance going on, but I wouldn't ship them in a RELATIONSHIP. Not really. They're...*sighs* don't hate me for this, but they're essentially fuck buddies to me. Emphasis on the word..."buddies" (lmao u thought I was going to say "fuck" didn't you lolz).**

**BUT I SHIP PURPLE SO HAAAARRRDDDDUUUUGGGGHHHH!**

**I wrote the first chapter of this fanfic all in one night, the night after I introduced myself officially to the series and watched from episode 1 all the way through seasons 1 and 2 PLUS the "Bath Rhymes" music video. It's 1:25 AM as I write these words on my iPod. Yup.  
And it's 11:40 AM as I type this one line of the AN on the site. That's right. This line of text is the ONLY thing that I typed on the site.**

**Also, new writing style. The style is called "crackfick" where i put emoticon faces and i italicize AND capitalize stuff and i talk like terrible grammar i speak to write. lolz wut.  
**

**So hope you enjoy this crackfic. Or maybe it's not a crackfic. I still haven't figured that out yet.**

_I do not own Dick Figures, or any of its characters/trademarks. Dick Figures is owned by Mondo Media._

**R&R**

**ENJOY~!**

* * *

Blue walked in, slammed and then locked the apartment door, and just looked all sad and miserably at Red. "My girlfriend dumped me. Again." He signed deeply, his shoulders sagging.

Red was on the couch playing video games. "Pfft!" He threw the controller at the wall, and hit a picture of Blue and the girl that had just dumped Blue. "Another bitch that got away!" he said. The picture's glass broke and it fell off the wall.

But that's okay. The controller didn't break.

"I haven't had a stable girlfriend in like...never," Blue groaned.

Red stood up and waved his hands at Blue dismissively like he didn't buy that shitty sob story. "Ah man that be the shittiest sob story ever! You don't know the struggle until you've fucked every girl in town and all that's left is..." Red pointed off to the right.

He was pointing at that fat girl he always told to go home.

His eyes narrowed. "_THAT_."

She smiled an ugly but hopeful smile.

"Go home!" Red hollered at her.

She frowned and went home all sad-like and shit.

Blue frowned as he watched her go. "You know, I actual feel ba—"

"Ah yeah well whatever! Fuck her I don't need her!"

"Ugh. I don't think I _WANNA_ fuck her..." Blue said, his face all grossed out.

"Might as well, bro! No one else wants to!"

"It's because _YOU_ always drive them away!"

"Nuh uh uh. I drive them alright...into my arms." Red made a hugging motion, accidentally capturing Blue in his arms.

Which made Blue be all like (o - o)

Then Red shouted in Blue's ear: "AND THEN I DRIVE MY DICK INTO _THEM_ AHAHAHAAHA!"

Which made Blue's face be all like (O A O) or something like that. I dunno.

"Dude!" Blue shouted as he tried but failed to escape from Red's arms. "Calm down."

"Easy for you to say! You're not the guy who's run out of chicks! They're all still there and ready for you! They just haven't touched you yet! Lucky bitch, you are."

Blue smirked. "If you don't have any girls to fuck, why don't you try looking for someone on the other team?"

Red narrowed his eyes and finally let go of Blue and took a step away from him. "What're you tryin'a say?" he asked really slowly.

Blue looked away and shrugged with a grin on his face. "I don't know. Maybe that if yore bored with the _GIRLS_...the only other option would be to start looking at..."

Red ran over to him and slapped him. "Nah, nigga! That shit's gay!"

Blue rubbed his face. "Well of course it is. That's...the definition of it."

"_YOU'RE_ the definition of it!"

Blue blushed and backed away. "No I'm not!"

Red narrowed his eyes further. "I was kiddin, bro."

Blue laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck all suspicious and nervous-like. "Ah heh heh heh... Of course you were. Not that I took it_ SERIOUSLY_."

Red narrowed his eyes so much that his face looked more Asian than Raccoon's voice was. And he got all up and close to Red's face.

Blue backed away and Red walked closer and stuff like that so basically they both backed into the wall. Well actually the door. Which was unlocked, for plot reasons, even though at the beginning of he story I _CLEARLY_ stated that Blue locked it when he walked in.

Red put his hand on his chin in deep thought.

Blue's face was all ( o _ o ) and then he just couldn't handle it anymore and he blushed like (O / ~ / O) and shouted "WHAT?!"

Red pointed at Blue and poked his nose (wait wut nose?) and said, "bro u gay?"

"N-no!" Blue said as he looked around, his eyes darting around so they were looking _ANYWHERE_ but into Red's eyes.

Red stepped away from him. "Well the way you're telling me to go fuck a guy cuz I don't got a chick to stick mah dick, seems to me like you're volunteering to _BE_ that guy, you know?"

Blue's jaw dropped. "WHAT?! Hell no! I'm not gay!"

"Neither am I!"

"Look, it was just a joke, okay?"

Blue felt like he had to escape. He was backed up against the door, so he grabbed the doorknob and turned it and opened he door and got ready to run out. He turned to the doorway aaaannnddd...

redwasrightthere...

"Ah! How did you teleport?!" Blue cried as he jumped away.

Red's eyes were still narrowed. "I looked so Asian with my face like this that I turned into a ninja and fucking TELEPORTED and shit! Like WHAAAAAUUUUUTTTT!"

Blue just facepalmed and closed his eyes and shook his head.

When he moved his hand away from his face and opened his eyes and looked down, he realized that he and Red were standing on Red's bed.

"Ah what the fuck?!" Blue cried. "How did we end up here?!"

"TELL! AY! POOR! TAY! SHUN! BEE! OTCH! Woo hoo!" Red shouted as he fist-pumped. He no longer looked Asian.

He grabbed Blue's wrists, threw him to the bed, and pinned him down.

* * *

**YAOI LIME IN THE NEXT CHAPTER! Woot woot!**

**When will the next chapter be updated?! I don't know! I wrote this on a sleep-deprived Dick-Figure-fueled impulse. I wasn't thinking straight. But then again, this isn't straight in the first place. It's gay. But either way, I have no idea if I will update any time in the near future. **

**See you next chapter!**

**BYEEEEE~!**


	2. Chapter 2

**HELLO EVERYONE! I'm back! Yes! With that citrus fruit you wanted! **

**Here. *hands you an orange***

**WHAT! This ISN'T the kind you meant?! What are you talking about?! XD**

**Anyway, I was going to abandon this one-shot and leave it as a cliffhanger unless someone was actually interested in it. And someone actually wanted more!**

**I'm surprised that this got so much attention and popularity and stuff! I didn't expect this to get as much love as it's getting! At the same time, I'm not THAT surprised, because the Dick Figures movie is really popular lately, and a lot of you are probably coming here from YouTube looking for awesome Dick Figures fanfics to read. So I guess either I'm lucky for doing a fanfic on a thing that's more popular than it seems, or I just have good timing to write this fanfic around a time when the fandom it's for is highly active and popular...**

**Either way, whether you just love Dick Figures or you're reading Dick Figures fanfics because you need something to read while waiting for the next chapter of the movie, I'm grateful either way!**

** So here is more for you!**

**Remember, I literally wrote the first chapter at like 1AM. However, this chapter was written at 1PM. So it'll be a little bit more coherent. It'll still be funny and crack-filled, but it'll be written a little more mindfully.**

**Anyway, hope you enjoy chapter 2 of this two-shot Dick Figures Yaoi Fanfiction Purple lime! **

**Yes. Lime in this chapter. I wrote a lemon once, for the sake of the fans. It was terrible, I tell you. The experience, I mean. According to reviewers, the lemon itself was fine. But I'm not doing that again unless I have to. **

**Now anyway, on to the rest of the story!**

_I do not own Dick Figures, or any of its characters/trademarks. Dick Figures is owned by Mondo Media._

**R&R**

**ENJOY~!**

* * *

"AAAHHH!" Blue shouted as he tried to get free. "Red! What are you doing?!"

"Come on, dude! Don't play with me! You know what's going on!"

Red tugged on the sleeve of Blue's shirt (i think...).

"Whoa whoa whoa whoa!" Blue shouted. He started freaking out.

Eventually, _SOMEHOW_, they were both completely naked. (I think, cuz I assume that they actually wear clothes in the first place. But it's hard to tell because they're stick figures.)

"I..." Blue suddenly felt something round and hard rub against his leg. When he felt there, he picked something up.

"Why is there a citrus fruit in your bed?" he asked.

Red shrugged. "I dunno. Cuz there's about to be a LIME IN HERE!"

"But actually this is an orange."

Red shrugged again, grabbed the orange from Blue, bit into it like it was an apple, then threw it out the window. Which was closed. And now broken.

"You're gonna pay for that you know," Blue told him.

"Well you'd better know what you're doing cuz if you don't then you're going to pay for my dick surgery."

"How would I know what I'm doing?!" Blue lied. "This is my first time!"

"It's my first time as well!" Red said with a smile.

"Then you pay for _my_ dick surgery!"

"I'm broke, dude! I can't pay for shit."

"Well I'm not paying for anything you break."

"Pay for me cuz I'm broke!"

"What does that even mea—"

"Distraction!" Red suddenly shouted as he started attacking Blue's neck with his mouth.

Blue briefly let out a cry of pain that quickly transformed into a moan of pleasure.

The instant after the moan, Red's head shot up. Uh...the head on _top_ of his body, I mean. The one with the face.

He was smirking smugly. "Wow, that works on guys, too?" he asked in amazement. "I know what this means..."

Blue's face turned wary. "What?"

"YOU'RE UKE!" Red burst out laughing. He was laughing hysterically. His side actually started hurting so he held it as he continued to laugh.

"}:T" Blue's face said.

Red laughed so much he actually fell onto the bed cuz he couldn't control it. "AHAHAAHAH! BLUE UKE! YOU KANT SPELL UKE WITHOUT YOU! AHAHAHA!"

He rolled onto his back and continued laughing. His legs kicked wildly and he held his stomach cuz it hurt from laughing.

Suddenly, his hands were pinned together above his head, his legs were trapped and being held still, and something was grabbing him down there.

Blue, Blue, and Blue again.

Red immediately stopped laughing and froze.

Blue was leaning over Red, holding Red's hands above his head by his wrists with one hand, pinning Red's legs down by trapping Red's ankles with his own, and holding Red's crotch with his other hand.

He was smirking confidently and deviously and other such stuff like those.

He moved his face _really_ close to Red's. "You think _I'm_ the uke? Bitch, please. You wouldn't know the meaning of the word 'seme' if one slapped you in the face and fucked you in the ass."

He let go of Red's crotch and reached for Red's hat.

He gently removed it and tossed it aside.

Red's eyes widened. _No_ one. Touched his hat. EVER. _NO ONE_.

Red grinned. "Wow. Look at you, getting all aggressive!"

"I know."

"But who's the lucky seme who gets to slap me and fuck me and teach me a thing or two about dominance?"

Blue slapped Red then kissed him for like a spilt second. He smirked and said, "Me."

Red laughed weakly. "Yeah, that's a good one, Blue. No seriously. Who?"

Blue's knees had been all that kept him hovering above Red's body. He let his knees go limp, while still keeping Red's ankles pinned down. His body fell on top of Red's.

Red's smile vanished.

"You don't have the experience to be the seme," Blue added.

"I got more experience than you with sex in general!" Red said, still frowning.

"So!?

"You're still not a seme."

"Neither are you!"

Their faces were less than a centimeter away from each other.

Blue grinned widely and seductively. "Bitch I might be."

* * *

**This two-shot has turned into a three-shot! Yay!**

**The next chapter was written in the same morning as this one, but not finished until days after this chapter was updated.**

**lol wut?**

**See you next chapter!**

**BYEEEEE~!**


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm BAAAAACKKKK!  
I've been holding off on this chapter so that this doesn't finish TOO soon before the movie chapter uploads on YouTube do.**

**I hope none of you are under the impression that there's a sex scene in this chapter. There isn't. I explicitly stated that there would be no lemon (in fanfic terms: a sex scene) in this fanfic.  
****But that doesn't mean that this won't be an awesome chapter.**

**I lied. This chapter was finished days before the previous chapter was finished. **

**This is the last chapter! Let's get right into it, shall we?**

_I do not own Dick Figures, or any of its characters/trademarks. Dick Figures is owned by Mondo Media._

**R&R**

**ENJOY~!**

* * *

Guess what?

Bitch, he was.

* * *

They laid under the covers, hands behind their heads, breathing hard, sweating like crazy, and heartbeats running like a mile a minute. They laid on their backs and faced the ceiling. Apart from their breathing, it was totally quiet and stuff.

Red finally broke the silence. "Ah man! That was WHYYYYYY-OOOOLLLLDDDDDD!"

Blue smiled faintly. "Yeah I know." He turned his head and looked at Red. " You were uh...pretty good for your first time. Especially considering you're apparently straight and all."

Red smirked and looked at Blue, his face all proud and arrogant and knowing. "Yeah. I know. I've had so much experience with the other team, this one wasn't so hard to figure out. And pretty good for your first time as well."

Blue blushed lightly and looked away. "Ah heh heh. Thanks, bro."

When Blue looked at him again, Red was sittin up and rubbin his chin and starin at Blue with those narrowed Asian-looking suspicious eyes. "Hm... _too_ good."

Blue frowned. "What do you mean?"

"This was your _first _time?"

"Uh...yeah?"

"You seemed more experienced than you should have been..."

Blue sat up as well and looked away, rubbing the back of his head nervously. "So? I could say the same about you."

"Uh, no you can't. I know my sexy stuff."

"Right," Blue said with a roll of his eyes. "You watch porn all the time."

Red put his hands on his hips and pouted and started gyrating his head. "Bitch, please, don't tell me you haven't done the same." Blue only glanced at him and didn't reply.

He stood up and began putting his..."clothes?" on. I mean... I guess they're clothes but they're stick figures so it's kinda hard to tell.

Red suddenly gasped and his eyes went from Asian-narrow to owl-wide. His hands fell from his hips and his started pointing wildly at Blue. "Owe mah gawd, bruh! U watchez da Y?"

Blue looked up and gave red a confused look. "The what?"

"The Y, son! The B-Y and the G-Y!" Red's jaw dropped and he started waving his arms wildly in Blue's direction as he continued pointing like ~(0 A 0 ~( "YOU'RE A B-Y-G-Y NEEERRRDDD!" Red covered his eyes with his hands and held up a hand in Blue's direction. "EEEEWWW GET AWAY FROM ME!"

Blue stood up and faced Red with his hands on his hips. "Red! What the fuck are you even talking about?!"

Rex calmed down and grinned widely and deviousishly.

He let his eyes get Asian-narrow. "Tele..." He raised his hand. "...por..." Then he snapped his fingers. "...tation." He was gone.

Blue didn't even bother being surprised.

But he _was_ surprised when he heard his computer being started up.

He raced out of Red's room and ran to his own. "HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY!" he shouted.

By the time Blue got there, he found Red sitting in front of his computer, about to go online.

Blue's eyes widened further. "Whoa whoa whoa! Stop it! That's my computer! What are you doing?!"

"gonna find ur leeetlle secret" Red whispered. His eyes went wide and his tongue stuck out of his mouth a little.

Blue ran over to him. "Get off!" He started waving his arms at Red in an attempt to smack and punch and hit Red off the chair and off his computer.

It didn't work. Red just started waving his arms as well and fought back. He was using both arms to do this, so he magically grew a third arm that he used to continue surfing the web. His eyes never left the screen.

Blue was too busy fighting, so he didn't notice.

Red opened up several new tabs on the Internet. Then he went into Blue's history and favorites and went onto several sites on the new tabs.

When he was done, he gasped and his third hand went to his face in surprise.

Blue stopped fighting. So did Red. Blue looked at the screen and his eyes widened.

Red pointed at the screen with his third hand. "AHAHAHAHAHA! Bro I knew it! You read and watch the B-Y!"

"What the hell is B-Y?!" Blue asked as he lowered his arms but raised his hands in desperation to know what the fuck "B-Y" meant.

"It's non-otaku terms for Boy-Y, which is Yaoi."

On the tabs were a Yaoi AMV on YouTube, a yaoi manga comic, an anime episode site with an episode of a yaoi anime on the player, M-rated Yaoi fanfiction from FF.N, a google search of yaoi images from Free! Iwatobi Swim Club, and a YouTube lyrics video of Simon Curtis' "Flesh".

Blue's face turned partially purple (cuz he was blushing a bit and red and blue make purple). "That's not mine. That's Pink's. You know how girls are into that yaoi stuff and..."

"Pink wasn't here yesterday," Red said. With his third arm, he pointed at the history list, where it said that all of those sites had been visited yesterday.

Blue blushed harder. "Alright, I read and watch and look at yaoi. So what?!"

"Niggerato, you gay."

Red's third arm finally disappeared.

Blue's blush didn't.

"So _that's_ how you knew what you were doing. You were like a pro!"

"Could we let it drop?" Blue pleaded. "That was a one-time thing, right?"

Red stood up and put an arm around Blue's shoulder. "Dude, don't worry! Of course it was. I won't tell if you won't tell." He made a motion of zipping his lips with his fingers, and an actual zipper appeared.

Blue did the same, and a zipper appeared.

They smiled at each other and nodded.

The zippers faded.

Blue went over to the computer and closed all the tabs and turned off the computer.

"One time thing," Blue said.

"One time thing," Red repeated.

"I don't ship it, anyway," Blue said.

"Neither do I," Red agreed. "Now I'm bored! I was playing a video game before you rudely interrupted me with your bisexual urges and homosexual yaoi and shit." Red bent his knees and began hovering in the air. He floated back to the living room.

Blue facepalmed and laughed. Then he went back to Red's room to clean up the mess they had made.

* * *

**Lolz blue WAS the seme XD**

**HOPE YOU ENJOYED THAT CRAZINESS!**

**So uh...how about dem Dick Figures The Movie chapters on YouTube. I almost cried at Chapter 5. NO WAY MY SHIP SANK! I SHIP PURPLE TOO HARD FOR THE BOAT TO SINK!  
****Lolz hope you guys are enjoying the movie as much as I am!  
There are only like 2 chapters left now, right?**

**You know how the description says that I'm gonna regret this? I regretted it at first.  
****But now that I see how much you people like it, I change my mind. I don't regret a thing.**

**I don't know if I'll be doing more Dick Figures stuff in the future, or if it will be this sexy and mature. But I might. I don't know. In that case I suggest you follow me on _deviantART_, not fanfiction, if you want to see more of my Dick Figures work.**

**THANKS FOR READING!**

**See you next time!**

**BYEEEEE~!**


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